Serving as a Gestational Carrier (GC) for a family and helping to make their dreams come true can be an incredibly unique and rewarding experience for everyone involved. We’ve asked one of our former GCs, “R”, to share her perspective on her journey in the hopes of helping other women who are considering becoming a Gestational Carrier.
“Being part of their journey to become parents is something I will hold close to my heart forever.” – R
What made you decide to become a Gestational Carrier?
I have been asked this question so many times when going through the surrogacy process and while pregnant. You would think that I would have had time to perfect my answer, but it is a pretty simple one. Growing up, I always wanted to be a mom. I cannot imagine what it would have been like for this not to work out for me. I think back to when I first found out I was pregnant and first held my babies. To be able to have the opportunity to help another couple start a family was something that I felt honored to do. Being able to be a part of someone being a new mama was a feeling I still am not able to put in words. Our delivery was via caesarean so I was able to see mom’s face as her baby was born. Being part of this and watching a couple I have come to love be parents has been an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Did you have any fears going into it once the decision was made to be a Gestational Carriers, and if so, how did you address those fears?
My biggest fear when deciding to become a gestational carrier was how my kids would handle everything. I was worried about what they would be able to understand. I was worried about them having a hard time when baby would not come home with us. I was also worried about being pregnant and not having the energy or being too sick to do the things that they need from me. My kids were 9 and 6 when I was a carrier. To make things a little more challenging, our transfer was on March 30, 2020, which means that our entire pregnancy was during the pandemic. About 3 months before we delivered we learned that the hospital had made restrictions to not allow any visitors in to the hospital. I was devastated. By this time my children, especially my 6-year-old daughter, were very attached to baby. She sang to him, rubbed my belly, and prayed for him each night. I was terrified that she would not be able to understand and have the closure that she needed. To better help my kids understand we had many conversations and read books together on surrogacy. I was amazed at how my children were able to understand. I heard a few times from parents of their friends what my kids and told their kids about what we were doing. I was also able to talk with another GC for ideas on how to help my kids. One of the best ideas actually came from the baby’s mommy. She had read in a blog that to help baby transition home it is helpful to have an item from our house that smells like our house, which was what baby had been used to. The mom thought it would be a good idea to have my daughter be included in this and take care of the item for baby. They got her a pillow to take care of and we got her a stuffed animal. This worked so well and she was so proud to be included! She slept with her items each night and was able to give them to baby. The parents also bought her a matching pillow and we got her a matching stuffed animal. Another thing that was very helpful was that the baby’s parents had rented a hotel room and allowed my kids to see baby on their way home for a short time. I was still in the hospital but my husband was able to take the kids to see baby and say good-bye. This was perfect for them.
Other than your immediate family, what support system did you set in place for to be with you during your journey to helping build a family?
I was very lucky to have many people supporting me throughout the surrogacy process. It took me a long time to convince my husband that I needed to become a surrogate and once he was on board and we made the decision for me to be a surrogate I could not have asked for a better support. I am also very fortunate to have had my mother and mother-in-law close by and very helpful the whole time. For the second baby in a row my water broke during the night, the day before the scheduled caesarean and my mother-in-law came over in her pajamas to take care of my kids! I had a friend who has been a surrogate multiple times and she was great with any questions that I had. I was also able to email my contact at the surrogacy center with questions. I also have some close girlfriends and coworkers that listened to me, supported me, and were excited right along with me. The baby’s parents and I became close along the way and they were a big source of support.
What was the hardest part you experienced throughout the process of being a Gestational Carrier and how did you work through that?
The most challenging part of the surrogacy process was that there are so many people involved (attorneys for both sides, fertility clinic, parents, surrogacy agency) so you have little control over the timeline. I am not always the most patient person and when I set my mind to something I go for it. In the surrogacy process I felt that I was always waiting on someone else to do something and the timelines we were given were often prolonged. We met the parents in late summer 2019 and our transfer was 3/30/20! Much of this time was waiting on the fertility clinic and legal contracts and additional medical clearance requirements. I don’t have advice on how to make this easier, but would simply say it’s helpful to know that there are many people coming together to help bring a little one into the world, so just know that things aren’t on your timeline and to be patient and flexible.
What advice can you offer to other women who are interested in becoming a Gestational Carrier?
When I first think of the question, “What advice do you have for someone considering being a surrogate?” My immediate thought was, Do it!! It will be one of the most rewarding experiences you will ever have. When thinking about it further I realize that there is more to it than that. It is a big commitment for your whole family. When I first looked into surrogacy I didn’t give as much thought to how much of a commitment it would be for my whole family. This was especially true for my husband. Everyone was concerned about me being attached and the extra things I was doing. Little credit is given to your partner who will be picking up the extra work around the home when you are too tired or taking care of the kids when you have extra appointments to attend. He may even be getting up at 6am for a couple months to give you a progesterone injection that you are too scared to give yourself. That being said, I would not change our surrogacy journey for anything. Going into it I knew how rewarding it would be for me, but had no idea how much it would have impacted our whole family. It was amazing to see how much my kids were able to understand and how much they came to love the little guy and his family. My best advice is talk with your support system, talk with others who have been surrogates, talk to your doctor, read surrogacy blogs, and ask questions. It is a big commitment for you and your family. Make sure you are ready and go for it!
Many thanks to R for providing an inside perspective on her experience as an amazing GC! R welcomed baby “C”, on December 8, 2020, and her parents couldn’t be more happy, grateful, and thrilled!