The American Society for Reproductive Medicine continues to keep health professionals and patients up to date on all things related to the Coronavirus and how best to manage patients, as well as recommendations for clinics across the country. As promised, we at The Surrogacy Center aim to keep you well informed as we learn ways to keep our clients and ourselves safe and healthy. As of June 8, 2020, the ASRM COVID-19 Task Force has provided the following information:

• To date, there are almost 6.5 million confirmed cases of COVID-19 worldwide, with over 1.9 million confirmed cases in the United States alone.

• Prospective research is critically needed as fertility clinics reinitiate care regarding the impact of COVID-19 on both patient response to fertility treatments and on early pregnancy.

• All infertility patients need to be counseled extensively on both the risks and benefits of initiating fertility treatment during the pandemic, which should include the increased risk of complications to patients with certain medical conditions if they become infected with COVID-19.

• Practices are strongly advised to provide every patient with an up to date list of resources for support and counseling with someone who specializes in fertility/infertility counseling in reproductive medicine.

• There are psychological and emotional benefits to having partners present during fertility procedures, and ASRM supports the involvement and inclusion of all partners during fertility treatment and family building planning whenever possible, however, safety considerations necessitate limiting the number of people allowed in clinical suites during said procedures. Hospital or practice guidelines must always be respected. Patients should also be encouraged to use alternative methods of participation when not able to be physically present.

“The role of ASRM during this pandemic is to proactively blunt the impact of this pandemic, while recognizing the need to safeguard limited health infrastructure resources. However, we (ASRM) understand our patients’ time-sensitive aspirations to achieve pregnancy, and as such, will regularly reassess these recommendations with a hope to resume initiation of comprehensive fertility care as soon as possible.”

The COVID-19 limitations we all face, as individuals and as a community, are among the biggest obstacles we face in current times on a daily basis. Being pregnant with your own child during such times would be a stretch (no pun intended), but imagine if the child you were carrying was for intended parents who weren’t able to join you as much as they had originally hoped when they started this journey? We asked a number of our gestational carriers who are currently (or very recently) pregnant to share their own experiences. This is what they had to say.

“The COVID-19 Pandemic has had a significant impact on me both physically and mentally.  I feel the burden of protecting this child more than I ever thought I’d feel.  So I don’t go anywhere out of fear of contracting the virus.  My prenatal visits are now conducted over the phone, which means the baby hasn’t been checked for weeks, but I’m thankful for the clinics flexibility because I’m scared to go into the clinic.  It’s also challenging to adjust to my new normal.  My hormones are already all over the place but now I struggle to deal with the stress of homeschooling my children, working at home, isolation, and the potential health threat to my family and myself.  I take things one day at a time but I’m definitely more emotional. “

“My entire daily routine has changed as a result of the COVID-19 Pandemic. The schools closing mostly impacted my routine.  I found I was not able to work from home full time and homeschool my kids, so I had to adjust my hours.  I also cannot exercise at the gym like I used to, so at this point I have not worked out in weeks.”

“As far as support that’s been offered, my doctor has been great. My prenatal visits were changed to phone calls, as long as everything is going well, of course.  They want to avoid bringing anyone in unless they really have to.  And even though I’m only 15 weeks, I have already started the conversation on what delivery would look like if the restrictions don’t change.  I want to do what I can to make sure both parents are able to be there when their child is born and I will advocate for that as much as I can.”

We hope you can take from this whatever is most beneficial to you – whether it be relating to one struggle or another, or simply empathizing with someone else’s surrogacy journey during the pandemic. We hope everyone stays safe and healthy!

The Surrogacy Center staff wants to reassure everyone that we are still here, as always, for support and guidance during this difficult time. We encourage our clients, and anyone interested in working with us to help build their forever family, to reach out via phone or email for any and all questions you may have. We’re happy to do video chats as well for anyone interested. While the world has drastically changed over the past few months, we at The Surrogacy Center are doing our very best to keep in contact with our clients in a constant effort to maintain supportive services. We are all working from home in an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, and we encourage you all to do the same.

For specific symptoms of COVID-19, please visit the Center for Disease Control (CDC) website. Please note, generally symptoms for children will present milder than symptoms for adults, so please contact your Primary Care Physician or Pediatrician BY PHONE for any and all concerns you may have.

FOR GESTATIONAL CARRIERS IN THE SCREENING STAGE:

As mandated by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), initiation of new treatment cycles are suspended, including ovulation induction, intrauterine inseminations, and in vitro fertilization (this includes retrievals and frozen embryo transfers, and non-urgent gamete cryopreservation). Additionally, they strongly recommend cancelling ALL embryo transfers, both fresh and frozen, until further notice.

FOR GESTATIONAL CARRIERS WHO ARE CURRENTLY PREGNANT:

We strongly urge you to be in contact with your particular doctor with regards to how their procedures may be altered during this time. They will provide you the with most accurate up-to-date care information.

FOR GESTATIONAL CARRIERS WHO ARE CLOSE TO DELIVERING:

Each hospital will have their own rules and procedures about who will be allowed in the delivery room. We STRONGLY recommend that you re-check any information provided by the hospital at which you’ll be delivering, as things are likely changing on a daily basis in order to best care for you and others in the hospitals. We are all in this pandemic together as a community, and we at The Surrogacy Center are incredibly grateful for the continued efforts of our health care workers, near and far, who are striving more than ever to keep our patients healthy and safe.

#Stopthespread #Stayathome

In the wake of this dreadful COVID-19 pandemic affecting us all near and far, The Surrogacy Center wants to remind our clients that we are taking every precaution to maintain our own health while continuing to work with Intended Parents (IPs) all over the world to match them with a healthy Gestational Carrier (GC) from the Midwest. As always, we support our IPs and GCs throughout the surrogacy journey, from the very beginning to the birth of a healthy baby. We remain operational during the pandemic, and are working with our current clients to advance their cases as much as can be done, as well as accepting incoming applications.

We’ve done our research, and offer some insight into how best to cope with COVID-19, for your mental and physical health.

For specific symptoms of COVID-19, please visit the Center for Disease Control (CDC) website. Please note, generally symptoms for children will present milder than symptoms for adults, so please contact your Primary Care Physician or Pediatrician BY PHONE for any and all concerns you may have.

LIMIT SOCIAL INTERACTION

Children and adults should maintain a minimum distance of 6 feet from anyone who is not in their home when playing outside. Children should not have in-person play dates with other children, however, we suggest setting up play dates through a video app, such as Zoom or FaceTime.

WASHING HANDS

Be sure everyone is washing their hands with soap and water for a minimum of 30 seconds (20 seconds of soaping, 10 seconds of rinsing) frequently. This is most important after being in a public place outside your home.

CLEANING HOUSEHOLD DAILY

Be sure to clean and disinfect high-touch surface areas in your home DAILY. This would include tables, doorknobs, light switches, remotes, toilets, hard-backed chairs, sinks and faucets, and handles.

LAUNDRY

Remember to wash items, including washable toys (follow the manufacturer’s instructions), in the warmest possible temperature and dry completely.

This is a very stressful time for everyone. It is crucial that we are all taking the best care of ourselves, both mentally and physically, to be able to maintain our lives and move forward through this difficult time. Be sure to watch for signs of stress in your children. This may include any of the following symptoms:

• Excessive worry or sadness
• Unhealthy sleeping or eating habits
• Excessive difficulty with attention and concentration
• Irritability or acting out
• Toileting accidents or bedwetting (if they’ve outgrown these behaviors)
• Unexplained body aches

To reduce the amount of stress felt by members of your household, we suggest you limit exposure to news and social media, try to maintain a daily routine and schedule that includes being productive, eat healthy, exercise, answer questions your children may have to avoid them filling in the blanks with their own imagination, and talk about what is happening and why you’ve made the necessary adjustments to your family’s routine.

The staff at The Surrogacy Center is taking all necessary precautions at this time by working remotely from home to ensure we are staying healthy ourselves, while maintaining our commitment to each other and to our clients. We hope all of you are staying healthy in every way possible, and we look forward to staying in touch with our clients through this difficult time. Good health and good fortune to everyone!

With the arrival of 2020, it’s hard to believe there are still three states where compensated gestational surrogacy is illegal.  Louisiana, Michigan, and….New York?  What?  It’s true, and it seems like a surprise to many people who were not aware this was the case until they were faced with fertility issues themselves, or started pursuing alternative family-building measures.

Sadly, it has been this way for quite awhile, and advocacy groups such as RESOLVE have been fighting for legalized surrogacy in New York, along with comprehensive and fair surrogacy legislation that will ”establish criteria for surrogacy contracts that would provide the nation’s strongest protections for surrogates and parents and streamline the “second parent adoption” process, removing outdated barriers and extending common-sense protections for New Yorkers looking to start their families”.

The antiquated laws in these states where gestational surrogacy arrangements are still illegal serve to remind us of the fear, uncertainty and ignorance under which these anti laws were established.  As the technology keeps evolving – along with attitudes about what “makes” a family – many of the states where surrogacy was recently prohibited (New Jersey, Washington, etc) have turned a corner after public sentiment has warmed to the idea of surrogacy as a healthy, legitimate way to build a family.  Governor Cuomo is determined to lift the New York surrogacy ban once and for all, recognizing that people who are unable to conceive or carry their own children should have the right to build their families through assisted reproduction.  This includes families faced with infertility issues, LGBT families, and all folks who dream of having and are capable of raising their children.  These deserving families should never be judged by those whose opinions are based in fear and misinformation, and it’s encouraging to know that this point of view is more fringe than mainstream.

It is our hope that Governor Cuomo is able to pass the surrogacy bill through the New York legislature this year, and that countless families will be unburdened by the overturning of these draconian laws.  It’s not over yet – but we can hopefully all breathe a sigh of relief that soon New York will take a step in the right direction, allowing access to countless families to proceed with gestational surrogacy.

And, with any luck, soon we may see all 50 states protecting the rights of folks to build their families.  Fingers crossed!

You can read the press release here.

You have been preparing for the arrival of the newest member of your family and bonding with your Gestational Carrier for months. She is helping complete your family by giving you the most incredible gift of all – a baby! How can you ever thank her enough for this amazing gesture?

 While gift giving is certainly not why the majority of Gestational Carriers decide to embark on a surrogacy journey, nor is it expected, required, or necessary, many Intended Parents choose to give a small token of gratitude to say thank you to their Gestational Carrier. But what should you get, and what considerations should be taken into account when looking for the perfect gift? We are pleased to offer suggestions from other parents who have been through their own surrogacy journeys in order to help you with options.

 CONSIDER YOUR GESTATIONAL CARRIER’S FAMILY

While your Gestational Carrier has done the majority of the heavy lifting throughout this journey, it’s important to remember the other family members who have been affected and have made adjustments to their lives to accommodate the changes along the way. Gift ideas that could be appreciated by her entire family include:

• Gift certificates for family-friendly outings (concerts, sporting events, etc.)
• A gourmet food basket
• Gift certificates to the family’s favorite restaurant
• Thank You cards for each member of the Gestational Carrier’s family

A small token of recognition for your Gestational Carrier’s family to enjoy is an unexpected way for Intended Parents to show their appreciation for all that the family has endured over the course of the surrogacy journey.

OPT FOR SENTIMENTAL, KEEPSAKE GIFTS

Every surrogacy journey, for both Gestational Carriers and Intended Parents, is a unique and one-of-a-kind experience that will never be forgotten. Why not compliment it with a one-of-a-kind gift for your Gestational Carrier in order to commemorate her experience? Suggestions for such a gift include:

• A charm bracelet
• A personalized necklace
• Jewelry featuring birthstones associated with the month of your child’s birth
• An angel themed gift, as angels are often associated with surrogacy

Something meaningful to your Gestational Carrier that she can cherish and be reminded of the magical role she played in your family’s completion often means more than a simple thank you or a gift certificate.

SOME MUCH DESERVED PAMPERING

After giving birth to a child, many women find some much-needed relaxation and pampering to be beneficial. After all, for at least the past 9 months, your Gestational Carrier has tirelessly worked to provide the best environment for your child to grow and develop. As she has supported you and your family during this surrogacy journey, following the birth of your child is the ideal time for you – as the Intended Parents – to support her in the process of feeling more like her old self prior to carrying your child. Some gift ideas to promote these ideas include:

• Spa treatments
• Manicures & pedicures
• Hair salon services (cut, color, blowout, etc.)
• Food delivery services

Carrying a child for 9 long months is a miraculous, exhausting adventure. Your Gestational Carrier has trekked through the thick of it with the best interests of your child in mind in order to help you build your family. Giving a gift of gratitude following the birth of your child will never accurately express just how incredibly thankful you are. However, it will be an unexpected surprise to your Gestational Carrier and her family, and one that will be greatly appreciated.

Having a family is a dream come true for many millions of hopeful intended  parents. As that journey begins, there are some who aren’t granted that wish on their own for various reasons that are often beyond their control. Gestational Surrogacy allows for a couple to utilize their own egg and sperm, if they so choose, by placing a fertilized embryo into another woman’s uterus. A gestational carrier has no genetic ties to the child she carries – she is simply providing a comfortable, safe environment for the fetus to grow in until birth.

 For many pregnant moms-to-be, one of the most magical experiences is being able to bond with their child while the child is still in utero. This is something many intended parents awaiting the arrival of the newest member of their family often worry they might miss out on – but they don’t have to! There are many ways in which intended parents can enjoy and experience their own bonding journey, and we’ve gathered a few suggestions for you to try.

TALK TO YOUR BABY WHILE HE/SHE IS IN UTERO

Babies have an extremely developed sense of hearing while they are in the womb. In fact, they are capable of learning sounds from their environment during pregnancy. If you don’t live in close proximity to your gestational carrier to be able to have an opportunity to talk to her belly while your child is in utero, you might consider making a voice recording for your gestational carrier to play for the fetus while he/she is still growing. Check out Amazon for “BellyBuds,” a sounds system with custom speakers that gently adhere to the belly and safely play music, soothing sounds, and loving voice messages directly to the womb. This is a safe, inexpensive, and easy way for intended parents to bond with their babies in utero and get them accustomed to their tones of their voices.

SHARE YOUR MUSIC WITH YOUR CHILD IN UTERO

Along the same lines of recording your voices for your growing baby to hear while they’re still in utero, another option is to create a playlist of your favorite songs for your gestational carrier to play to her belly. This is a great way to bond with your growing little one, and encourages them to become familiar with your taste in music!

ENCOURAGE YOUR GC TO EAT YOUR FAVORITE FOODS

(PROVIDED THEY ARE SAFE TO EAT DURING PREGNANCY, OF COURSE)

What a woman eats during pregnancy not only nourishes the growing fetus in utero, but it can also shape their food preferences later in life. While still in the womb, babies ingest several ounces of the surrounding amniotic fluid on a daily basis. As amniotic fluid is actually flavored by the foods and beverages the gestational carrier has consumed in the last few hours, by encouraging them to eat some of your favorites, this is a fantastic way for you to bond with your growing child even before they’re born.

As the Proverb states, it takes a village to raise a child. But sometimes, it also takes a village to have a child. Gestational surrogacy is a uniquely beautiful experience for both gestational carriers (GCs) and the intended parents (IPs). Bonding with the baby-to-be is a great privilege that ALL parents should get to experience. If you have suggestions on other ways you, as intended parents, have successfully bonded with your growing fetus, we’d love to hear them!

You’re strongly considering surrogacy to help grow your family. You’ve done your research, weighed the pros and cons, and maybe reached out to others who have already participated in a surrogacy journey, either as Gestational Carriers or as Intended Parents. But you still have questions…. concerns…. what about the so-called urban legends of surrogacy? You will likely always have questions or concerns – and that’s completely normal. In the hopes of providing you with some peace of mind, The Surrogacy Center examines 3 of those concerns below to help calm your worries.

INTENDED PARENTS WON’T BE ABLE TO BOND WITH A BABY THAT WAS CARRIED BY ANOTHER WOMAN

Intended Parents, although they may not be able to experience every aspect of the pregnancy, will get to experience many significant milestones of the pregnancy, such as doctors’ visits and the birth of their child. Parents-to-be can also talk to their unborn child in person, and feel the baby kick as he/she is gearing up to make his/her first appearance. Our carriers are committed to having the Intended Parents actively participate in the pregnancy as if it were their own.

Bonding with a child in utero is much more about who cares for them once they’re born rather than who carries them during the pregnancy. As a partnership between Intended Parents and their surrogate, it is up to each party to decide together as to what kind of pregnancy arrangement everyone will be comfortable with.

A SURROGATE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AND KEEP THE CHILD AFTER IT’S BORN

With gestational surrogacy, the woman who carries the child has no genetic relationship to the child. As such, she has no parental right to keep a child after birth. At The Surrogacy Center, we use our expertise and compassion to help make the surrogacy journey a successful and positive one for Gestational Carriers and Intended Parents alike.  We refer all our clients to attorneys who are experienced in the field of Surrogacy law in order to ensure a smooth legal process.

Our Gestational Carriers are altruistic in nature and are committed to helping their Intended Parents build their families through the gift of surrogacy.  They have gone through a rigorous application process to get to that point, and they must agree to have completed their own families in order to consider becoming a surrogate. 

SURROGACY OFTEN LEADS TO MULTIPLES

While it is common in gestational surrogacy to carry multiples, this has a lot to do with the process of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and how many embryos are transferred into the surrogate’s womb. The more embryos transferred, the more likely the surrogate is to become pregnant with multiples. If you are considering becoming a Gestational Carrier, and are resolved to only carrying one child, the best thing to do would be to seek out Intended Parents who are also looking to have only one child at a time, and, during the IVF process, have only one embryo transferred at a time (also known as a single embryo transfer, or SET).

The Surrogacy Center provides screening and evaluation of all potential Gestational Carriers (GCs), including arranging psychological evaluations of the potential carriers and their husbands/partners, background checks, and review of medical information from previous pregnancies. We match GCs and Intended Parents (IPs) who are well suited for each other, and provide support to all of our clients throughout the surrogacy journey, from the beginning to, in most cases, the birth of a healthy baby. We take great pride in caring for our clients during this important and joyful time, and are available to answer any questions you may have along the way.

 

MY JOURNEY AS A GESTATIONAL CARRIER

First and foremost, how are you feeling in general, after recovering from your journey? 

I delivered in early December and I’m feeling great. I worked up to my delivery date, and took a little more than 3 weeks off. It was a nice break, I got to spend some good time volunteering in the classrooms at my kids’ school. Getting a good night’s sleep immediately after delivery probably helped, but when there’s no baby to wake you up, getting good sleep isn’t an issue. I am dealing with some aches and pains from trying to get back into exercising. During this pregnancy, I walked roughly 12 miles a week, but laid off of all other fitness, so my muscles and joints are a little mad. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t a good idea, but it was a nice break from the early morning wake-ups, as I usually run or do videos at home before work.

What made you decide to pursue surrogacy in the first place? 

I enjoyed being pregnant. I have three keepers, and had great pregnancies with each of them. I felt my maternal clock ticking. When I decided to start my surrogacy journey, I was going be turning 40 in less than 2 years. I knew I wasn’t done being pregnant, or being able to experience pregnancy, but I knew my family was complete at 3 children. I do not want to raise any more babies of my own. So it was now or never. I didn’t want to wake up at 50 and say, ‘Gosh, I would have liked to have helped a family, I wonder if I could have done surrogacy.’ So I decided I should at least try, get the ball rolling and see if I am even eligible to be a carrier, and so the journey began.

When you shared the news with them, how did your spouse/significant other, loved ones, friends, coworkers, etc. react? 

Everyone I shared the good news with was very supportive. I only had one negative conversation; with a coworker who struggled with infertility and therefore does not have children.Surrogacy is not something many people, that I’d crossed paths with, had a connection too or even knew much about. People had heard of it, but only from a distance or in the movies. So to know someone that was actually being a surrogate, and helping a family grow their family, it was a surprise. I didn’t share the news with everyone, it was a gut feeling if I felt it was right to share. When I did though, people were genuinely happy and proud that I was helping another family.

What were your expectations before you began the process? 

I don’t know. I wasn’t sure how the process even happened. I was a little nervous about the legality of it all, but the Surrogacy Center was so helpful. Questions answered and nothing left unturned.

I guess I was looking to experience the changing body with pregnancy again, and honestly, make a little money to help my children. Being a single mom, I want to be able to give them something for their future. In the end, it was so much more than that. Now that it’s done and over, I wish I would have jumped into surrogacy sooner. My youngest just turned 6, I could have helped a bunch of families grow their family. Hopefully my window isn’t closed though, and I’ll get the chance to help again in the near future.

Describe the matching process and how you felt when you first met your IPs in person: 

With the help of the Surrogacy Center, the match process was very easy. They do the hard work; of matching the right people together. Initially, I was overlooked by two families, in the beginning of the journey I had an IUD in place, and the families were encouraged to pass if they didn’t want to be held up in their journey. I do feel all things happen for a reason, and my IP were an amazing choice. At first I was nervous to meet them…will they really like me, are we going to be a good fit, is this really happening !!?? The conversation started, and the decision was made before walking away from the table. I felt very comfortable with them and knew it was a good fit.

What was the most unexpected part of your journey? Is there anything that surprised you? 

The hormone injections were interesting. I’m not sure what’s the best way to describe it, so I’ll go with interesting. Needles don’t really bother me. The first injection was fine, a little needle into the belly. But the second medication into the butt, the needle seemed gigantic! I pulled the cover off for the very first time, and I psyched myself out. ‘Oh, hell no!’ I had to have a friend give the injection the entire time. I was also worried the lumps that were forming in my butt would be there for the rest of my life. But they’ve disappeared. I gained weight right off the bat with the injections. Darn hormones!

I mentioned the legal process, I was surprised when all of that was wrapped up before the baby was born. But that was convenient to have that done prior to the birth.

It also surprised me to learn many GCs do not become pregnant on the first round. I feel very lucky we were fortunate to become pregnant the first try and broke out of the mold.

When I first saw the baby, and still now when I see pictures, it’s a little odd to think that that little baby, that looks NOTHING like me, came out of my body. WOW. The human body and science are pretty amazing.

Describe the pregnancy overall – did it match your previous pregnancy experience(s)? What, if anything, was different (other than the obvious fact you were carrying a baby for someone else)? 

It was pretty much the same as my other 3 pregnancies. I did gain the most weight with this baby, about 60# !! A lot was water weight, but the baby was also big. I was all belly and lower half weight gain . If I had an apron on or my kids or a desk in front of me, you wouldn’t guess I was pregnant. My largest baby was 7# 12oz and my surro baby was 9# 5oz. She was a big girl ! There was the large weight gain, and I also dealt with some blood pressure issues. On a positive note, my Dr. did not think I was dealing with bp issues. I was always in a healthy pregnancy range, but it was just higher than my normal low bp.

Were there any funny moments during the pregnancy you’d be willing to share? 

The whole delivery was a smooth, easy process (once the epidural had kicked in). We were waiting for the Dr. to arrive for the final part of delivery. When she walked into the room, we were all laughing and having a good time. Everyone told me to stop laughing! I literally was going to push the baby right out with my laughs and the Dr. had only just walked in the room and wasn’t ready for delivery, yet alone catch the baby unexpectedly.

Here are a few funny moments from during the pregnancy too:

I was having lunch with my youngest son (he’s in Kindergarten) and his friends. We were talking about me having a baby. One of the boys said, ‘my mom is having a baby too!’ My son then said, very matter of fact, ‘oh, but my mom’s not keeping the baby.’ The other little boy- his eyes got as big as quarters! It would have been fun to be a fly on the wall at his house when he asked his mom if she was keeping his new baby brother or not.

When people would congratulate me on having a baby, I’d respond with ‘thank you, but here’s the crazy thing, It’s not mine!!’ There’d be a pause, you could see the wheels turning, and then thinking how could it not be mine….Then I’d share that I was a surrogate and having the baby for a friend. One older gentleman who I shared this with, was really confused. I’m sure it was a generation gap. After he thought about it, his question was, ‘did you have to have sex with the guy?’ He was genuinely concerned that I had slept with the guy. It still makes me shake my head when I think about that conversation with him. I responded, ‘NO, of course not.’

I was also concerned about telling my grandma what I was doing, simply because she’s old school catholic. Earlier on this given day I had shared the good news with my kids who were very excited for me. So while we were visiting grandma later in the day, they kept elbowing me, ‘Mom. Mom. Go on, tell her.’ I’d whisper, ‘I can’t, she’s not gonna get it…’ I finally did share, and she was very understanding. Each time we talked thereafter, she’d make a point to ask how the baby was doing.

How did everything go on delivery day? Please describe the emotions and feelings you experienced when the baby was born and shortly thereafter.

I don’t think my body knows how to go into labor. I have needed to be induced with all 4 babies. This delivery, however, my water did break on its own. We were walking laps around the maternity floor and bouncing on the exercise ball for the morning, I felt a little something, but I thought it was maybe something else. When the on-call Dr. arrived to break my water, as I was trying to get into the bed, there it went. I probably waited a little too long through the early contractions before I got the epidural, because I could still feel the contractions. So I asked for more. The anesthesiologist returned and gave me what he called a bolus, I liken it to a booster of epidural. It worked a little too well, to say the least. My legs were numb, like heavy bricks. I should ask my IP how heavy they were, as she was there to help me through delivery. Surro baby was born at 3:23 pm and I didn’t walk until after midnight ! It took a bit to get the feeling back.

I didn’t have any expectations going into the delivery. It has been very easy to work with my IPs, there was no drama, and we all kinda figured we’ll just let things play out and take them as they come. But now that delivery day is over, it didn’t go as I expected. That sounds odd, as I just said I didn’t have any expectations. I guess I thought there would be some more spotlight on me. Baby was born, there was skin to skin with mom (maybe with dad too, I’m not sure), then clean-up of baby, myself, the room and then there I was alone in the hospital room. The IPs and baby came to visit once that night and in the morning before they headed home. Maybe if I had a support team there to keep me company it would have been different, but the IPs were my team. I was probably feeling a little lonely.

Emotionally I felt good. I didn’t miss the baby, I knew my job was over. One of the common questions I got was, ‘How can you give the baby up??!!’ Well, it wasn’t my baby. Her egg, his sperm. I didn’t have a genetic connection with the baby. That may sound heartless, I did tell my IP this, to please not think less of me as I don’t have a connection to the baby. I cared for the baby as I would have cared for my own baby, taking all precautions I would have, but the connection was more of a babysitter than of a mother. A month afterwards, now I feel a little empty. But empty because I want to be helping a family again, to have that purpose and experience that fulfillment again. As I commented earlier, I only wish I had jumped into surrogacy sooner, my youngest just turned 6, I could have helped a bunch of families grow their family, but hopefully I’ll get the chance to help again here in the future.

Additional thoughts, comments, and observations about your journey and/or your experience with any of the folks you worked with:

Personally, I don’t really think what I did was all that extraordinary. I liked being pregnant. I like to help people when I can. It was a nice change, when I’d share with people that I was a surrogate, and therefore I wasn’t keeping the baby, it was a nice unsolicited congratulations/ pat on the back.

Thank you Surrogacy Center; especially Delia, you helped this journey get off the ground. You brought two families together, to make something beautiful.

Intended Parents J and S from Wisconsin recently welcomed baby girl K to their family!  Here they share the story of their journey, what to expect during the process, and how their experiences with parenthood are shaping their lives.  This is great information and advice for any IPs who are looking into surrogacy as an option to build their family.  Happy reading!

First and foremost, how has parenthood been treating you?  Is it everything you dreamed it would be?

Parenthood is great! It is a dream come true, considering there was a long time in my life where I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to have kids (as a gay man). We really invested hard on parenting classes and books during the pregnancy, so it’s turning out to be more manageable than I originally expected. There’s still some difficult moments and long nights, but it’s still been a great experience. (I’d do it again!) We’re really good about maintaining our rotating sleep shift, where in the night one of us is “on call” while the other sleeps in the guest room uninterrupted, and then we switch. The full rotation lasts about 12 hours. We’ve had to cut several evening fun activities with our childless kids who don’t really understand how critical sleep is to a new parent, but everyone with kids has been super supportive and helpful as they know how difficult it can be. I know I’m genetically hard-wired to think this, but my baby is definitely the cutest and the best!!! With each new day and development, I get really excited to see the person she is growing into.

What made you decide to pursue surrogacy in the first place?

I have always wanted to have children. We also explored adoption, but unfortunately it was a much more complicated and potentially heartbreaking process than most people realize (especially for same-sex couples), and is also considerably expensive. We spoke with families that went on each route, and decided surrogacy was the one that fit our family situation best. While it is possibly the more expensive option, it provided the most control over our timetable.

What were your expectations before you began the process?

I feel the depiction of surrogacy on TV/movies is very misleading. The surrogates we see on TV (Glee, Friends, Fuller House) is far from a safe or realistic way to do the process. Most depictions of adopting, surrogacy, etc are horribly misrepresented on TV shows, and not many people understand how it all really works. Even now it can get frustrating at times explaining to people their false misconceptions. (ex: you can’t/really shouldn’t just “mix your sperm in a cup and use a turkey baster”, it’s not a good idea to use the surrogate’s egg, most of your friends probably aren’t qualified to be effective surrogates yet they casually say “they’d be willing to carry a baby for you”, and it’s probably not the best idea to use one of your friends/family for the process unless you are EXTREMELY confident in your relationship). I think the TV ideal of magically having one of your best friends carry a baby and then the laugh track plays over and over is what we’re exposed to. However I think the Surrogacy Center and the legal team we worked with did an excellent job of setting realistic expectations for us and how it really works. I completely agree with every screening requirement the Surrogacy Center implements.

Describe the matching process and how you felt when you first met your GC in person:

The matching process took a few months (I believe 4? It was confusing due to some rearrangement at the time). I think it was really important to be true to your values and if there’s a gut feeling that the match won’t work out from the form or meeting, not to be afraid to wait a little longer for the next one. We went with our second match, and she was absolutely wonderful. The meeting was a little awkward, as you’re both strangers and want to have a baby together. I’m sure I was a little extra nervous not to offend her in any way, so I feel like I was super sugar-coating my personality and straying from anything of potential controversy. However, she turned out to be one of the kindest and strongest women I have ever met, and I would love for our daughter to have a good relationship with her going forward. We are likely to meet up periodically and our child can call the GC her “birth mom”. We’re still working on a term that fits the birth mom’s other kids, as they’re not quite step siblings or cousins, but they have an interesting connection.

What was the most unexpected part of your journey?  Is there anything that surprised you?

I think we had expected to get to know our GC better before the actual transfer. There was one in-person meeting, and then off we were to the transfer the next time we met. I think we both felt it was a little strange we still barely knew each other but were willing to go through with making a baby together. It did all work out for us in the end! I am completely satisfied with how things worked out and our current relationship. I was also surprised that everything went so well and smoothly after we were matched (and quickly too). There were many times I think we would “forget” we were expecting during the pregnancy, especially since we didn’t have an active baby bump in our household to remind us. Even after the birth, I still had moments of “oh right, we had a baby!”

How did everything go on delivery day?  Please describe the emotions and feelings you experienced when the baby was born.

Delivery was a unique experience. It really shows the strength of women and how difficult it is to create new babies. Even after an epidural, labor seems like a very difficult and painful process, and there were many times when I thought “OMG, what did we do to this poor woman!” We did get through, and eventually we got to meet our slimy, crying, but beautiful baby, who pooped on me several times during the first skin to skin contact. I highly recommend everyone be present in the delivery room if possible, as it builds an appreciation for how difficult it is to create new humans. It took a while to really have that “click” in my head that we were parents (even after leaving the hospital), especially since we didn’t see most of the pregnancy. I remember pre-delivery day as the last day we’ve had a straight 8 hours of sleep! I really appreciate the few weeks we had after the birth where we were both on leave from work, and we got to spend dedicated time to getting to know each other as a family. Also, I feel a profound sense of respect and admiration for our GC. She’s amazing!

Please share any advice you would give to folks who are researching surrogacy to build their families:

General parenting advice: If you have the opportunity to babysit an infant for a few hours (less than 6 months preferred), do it. Make sure you are absolutely committed to doing this sort of thing, and it’s not something that will easily overwhelm you. We are blessed with the advantage of full family planning in this situation, and can back out easily in the early stages. I do know some people who try babysitting, and then decide to get dogs instead, which is totally fine!

Also, if there are any issues in your marriage, address them ASAP. I believe our baby adventure went so well because we were an extremely solid team as a couple. There’s really no room for any apprehension from your teamwork, as the lack of sleep and the difficulty of the process can be very stressful.

For surrogacy advice: Put in a lot of research into the process. This process is very time consuming (all the days off work and travel), requires some serious project management skills and organization, and there will be many times when you might feel like a human ATM (the agency, clinics, pharmacies, doctor appointments, lawyers, etc will all ask for a couple thousand dollars one after the other, with no tangible results at the time). There are some ups and downs, it is not too different from the process an infertile couple going through IVF would experience. I personally hate gambling, but that is part of the process. Seeking support with couples who have gone through IVF is appropriate and recommended. (easier to find than a couple that had a GC)  However, in the end you get to take home the cutest baby ever and you get to have a family!

Additional thoughts, comments, and observations about your journey and/or your experience with any of the folks you worked with along the way:

The surrogacy center did a great job at finding us an A+ gestational carrier! We are very pleased with how everything turned out. Clare and Delia are also very kind and great to work with. I highly recommend working with them!