Dakota is a first-time gestational carrier who lives in Wisconsin. She was matched with intended
parents who also live in Wisconsin. Together they welcomed a sweet baby girl this summer. Here she shares her surrogacy story from beginning to end!
Let’s start with the basics: When were you first matched with your IPs, and how did you know you were the right fit for each other?
I remember being told around March last year (not too long after submitting my application and paperwork) that I already had a potential match. However, we didn’t officially meet/match until May last year! I remember being super nervous during that first meeting, but it didn’t take long to get comfortable, which is how I knew I would love to be matched with them!
Another indicator was how similar our expectations were, such as the amount of communication throughout the pregnancy and after, appointment attendance, presence in the delivery room, supplying breast milk, etc.
About how much time was there between matching and your embryo transfer? What did you do to bond with each other during that period?
The embryo transfer occurred in December last year, about 7 months after the matching. To get to know each other better, we started communication via email and set up a day in July to meet up. Our initial match meeting was via Zoom, so it was nice to finally meet and talk in person! Around this time, we exchanged numbers which became our main form of communication.
How did you and your IPs stay connected during your pregnancy? Were they able/interested in coming to some of your OB appointments?
They live about 1.5 hours from me, so we stayed connected via text message. Texting made it easy to send little updates as the pregnancy progressed. Due to COVID, the hospital I was being seen at only allowed one person in the room at a time, so the IP’s alternated each ultrasound appointment. I had VCI (Velamentous Cord Insertion) this pregnancy so I had frequent ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy to monitor the baby’s growth. This also gave the IP’s many opportunities to see their baby girl and they never missed an ultrasound!
As for the normal appointments, if they happened to be on the same day as the ultrasound, then yes, they would attend. Otherwise, I did not expect them to drive that far for a 10 minute appointment, so I would record videos of the fetal doppler and send them an update on what the doctor said.
Tell us all about your labor and delivery experience! How did you all decide who would be there, what your roles would be, etc.?
I have been pregnant four times prior to this one, and each one I had to be induced, so imagine my surprise when I realized I was in labor the day I turned 37 weeks! In short, I woke up at 1:30am on August 11 to sporadic gushing of fluid. Since I have not experienced going into labor naturally, I was in denial and thought there was no way, especially 3 weeks early! However, after some back and forth from the bed to the bathroom, I called the hospital to speak with a nurse who told me to come in and plan to stay. I got there a little before 3am, got the epidural around 5am, pitocin around 6-6:30am, IP’s arrived around 7:30am, and baby girl was here at 8:50am!
The labor wasn’t too bad. The only thing that made it uncomfortable or bothersome even after the epidural was the amount of pressure I felt, which I have never felt with any other pregnancy. It felt like she was right there ready to slip out the entire time. I think this was because she was still pretty active and kicking pretty good, which wasn’t unusual because I swear she never slept the duration of the pregnancy haha! She came out quick and easy, and both IP’s were in the room with me. They were perfectly fine if I wanted my husband in there, but as long as they were comfortable, I much rather preferred that they be in there to watch their daughter come into the world! They were very comforting as everyone was getting ready for me to push, and they held my hand as I pushed her out.
Seeing them look at their daughter for the first time and hold her was the best thing ever. The delivery of the placenta was another story. The cord detached as the doctor tried to pull it out, so he had to reach up there himself. It took about 15 minutes before he was able to get a grip on it and get it out. It was very painful, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!
Even though our brain logically knows the baby we carry is not ours, our hormones can affect us otherwise. How has it been recovering from delivery?
Physically, I was doing pretty good! I had some severe cramps during the first week, but I was told that the cramps tend to worsen with each pregnancy. Emotionally? The first few days were rough. I really missed feeling her move and kick, and it’s hard not to form a bond with someone you carried/grew for 8+ months. However, I have been exclusively pumping breast milk to send to the IP’s, and I feel providing milk for her has helped me not feel like that connection was completely severed. The IP’s updates have also helped a lot!
What advice would you give those considering using a gestational carrier?
Don’t rush and make sure the person you choose is 100% on the same page as you and is someone that you can build a relationship with (if you so choose). I would recommend having a list of questions ready for that initial meeting with your potential carrier! Also, if your first meeting is through a video chat, make sure to schedule a time to meet up before the transfer. I may have known I wanted to carry for the IP’s I matched with during that initial meeting, but meeting in person really confirmed it. It gave us a chance to really get to know each other through natural conversation, which allowed us to build a naturally-formed relationship outside of the mindset “this person is going to be carrying my child so we need to have some sort of a relationship”.
What advice would you give those considering becoming a gestational carrier?
I would say the same thing as above, it is so important to be on the same page as the IP’s! While it is the carrier who is doing the most important job of growing and carrying the baby, it is still the IP’s baby. Finding a balance that respects the IP’s wishes as well as keeps the carrier comfortable and relaxed is so important. I would also recommend the carrier making a list of questions to ask, as well! Also to add, baby’s form bonds with their parents inside the womb via smell and sound.
During the pregnancy, I recommend getting a product called “belly buds” that allow IP’s to record things, share them with you via a free app that works with the buds so that you can play it for the baby. Just stick the buds on your belly and hit play on whatever the IP’s shared! This allows baby to get used their parents voice before birth. Also, send a blanket with your scent on it home with baby. Both of these things will help baby be comfortable with their parents and adjust to being with them and without you.
